Blocked by him

Really felt so sad after discovering he’s blocking me on the msn. I think it’s really the time to ask him all the questions in my mind. His nickname on the msn just now was ‘Where is my final destination’. I guess he’s also feeling very hard now. Why to force him to be with me since both of us also are not feeling happy for it? *Sigh* I’m going to miss him.

p/s: before he went to bed just now he sent me a sms: Do you need morning call tomorrow? Scared you’ll miss your exam. Are you well prepared yet? Anyway take rest early la. I wanna sleep lo. Good nite. Why is this so?

Dare not

Feeling so depressed every time when I think of does Ocean really likes me or not. We’ve been stuck in this kind uncommitted relationship for more than one month but I really don’t understand why last time when I asked him to separate he still wanted to continue. I really can’t feel any love from him which I’m desperate for it. I dare not to ask him again does he want to end this relationship because I really worried that he will say: okay! Don’t know is I think too much or what? But I couldn’t see him online on msn while he’s online on Axcest. Did he block me because he didn’t want to chat with me? Or did he feel pressure of facing someone he doesn’t like? Too many questions in my head I so wished to ask him but I just can’t because I don’t want to lose him. But why should I be sad of losing someone who doesn’t really like me? Question again…

如何爱自己？

你是否为了某人而活？
若你是为了自己而活，就能轻易的爱上自己。

若自己是为了某一个人而活，那人生震得很无趣。
当然不会喜欢这样过一生的自己啰！
所以假如：你是一个为别人而活的人，
请从今天起，下定决心只为自己活吧！
不过这并不是要你只顾自己、不管他人，
而是希望你为自己而活，请你为了自己的幸福而活，
按照自己的方式而活。
不为任何人牺牲；也不可以觉得自己的幸福是某人所赐予的！
自己的幸福原本就在自己的心中。

当人生能够开始按照自己的方式活下去，
自然就会涌现出对自己的自信。自己也会因此而更坚强。
过去的人际关系或许因此面临分崩离析，不过没有关系！
这应该是一件值得庆幸的事！
因为不让你做自己想做的事——
这样的人际关系根本就不是以温暖或爱或友情为根基的关系。
干扰你按照自己的方式而活的人就不能说是[很爱你]的人！
所以就算和这样的人道再见又何妨呢？
比如说，因此而孤单一人，那又有什么关系呢？
因为，请你千万别忘了：还有一个真正的自己永远伴随着你。
然后，当你开始能够开展自己的人生，
相信：真正爱你的人一定会出现的。

Missed Metropolitan College

Just now when listening back to Avril's first album don't know why suddenly missed my degree foundation year at Metropolitan College so much. Missed the time spent together with coby, seng, joan and alice. Is it because when people grow older they tend to look backward and will feel that the pass is always better than now after seeing more and more different faces around them?

Last roommate

Sometimes really cannot judge people from his appearance. Just now when I was having dinner at the mamak not far from my hostel. My friends and I were just sitting at the left hand side of my new roommate from Bukit Jalil. I think he didn't see me because he's talking behind my back with his friends complaining I didn't talk much with him. This is his first time sharing a room in room he used to stay in single room. I felt awkward about it because I thought he's such a friendly guy since he always smile to me and even made bed for me which I think it's unnecessary. Moreover last nite was only the second night we slept in the same room. He expects me to be so talkactive with him? And I prefer to do my own stuff in my room unless you're very close to me and we have something in common. Never at least I now knew what kind of a person is he. By the way, most probably I will move out to the new apartment beside INTI hostel next semester. No need to worry about the roommate problem anymore.

When I was moving my blog to movabletype I did somehow read back some entries. Some are very interesting and some I have forgotten about it. Now only I realised how much I used to hurt CK because of my unstable emotion. I don't like emotional people but I never knew that I was one too when I was engaged in a relationship. Can't believe that we're still friends.

I must admit that from all the relationships I had until now he's the one I loved most and may be he's the only who knew me most compared to other passengers in my life. Every time when I'm listening back to the songs we used to share together my heart will still have 'the' feeling.

Initially we were so suffered because we just thought that 9 months is too long but He's now back to Malaysia. Haven't got a chance to meet him yet. May be is because my final exam is coming or may be is I just too shamed to face him? he told me few days ago he might be sent to Sabah or Sarawak to work. So if I don't meet him soon don't know how long we still have to wait again.

Edwin sent me a sms one and a half hour ago asking me do I really need him? He said I'm always happy even without his existence I will still be happy. He said he can't give me anything.

I replied him I'm always happy because I've been through many things that others wouldn't think of. I believe in searching for solutions is better than letting things to keep you down. It doesn't mean I do not need love. I needed love most and love brings happiness. I only need his love and he needs not to give me anything else because sometimes when I listen to his voice I already felt relieved. Caring and trust are most important.

I have a question here: shouldn't I be so strong so that he will feel that he does mean something to me?